Before you go saying “of course you’d say that, you’re an Android fan boy,” let me state for the record: I am an Android fanboy. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s discuss the new Windows 8 devices announced by Nokia today. If you didn’t catch the event, don’t worry, all you need to do is dump a box of fruit loops on your kitchen table and it’ll be like watching the event live.

Okay, I’m cracking jokes about Nokia’s bold choice of colors for their 920 and 820, but man, those are some ugly phones. They sort of remind me of the LG Intuition (aka LG Optimus Vu) with a cheap shiny case. But hey, at least Rainbow Brite and Punky Brewster will buy one.

Besides an awful design, the new Nokia Lumias were riddle with unfinished software, deceptive marketing and enough tacky accessories to be branded as a Flavor Flav starter kit.

Let’s talk about software. While most of the major smartphone players tend to have their software ready for launch when they unveil a new device, Microsoft seems to be from the same school of thought as RIM: show off a phone with an operating system that’s not quite ready and then give consumers no concrete date for an expected release (no wonder why these two barely make it out of the “Other” category on market share pie charts).

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what Windows Phone 8 has to offer, when it’s ready to offer it.

How about deceptive marketing? Nokia touted all sorts of camera enhancements, things like PureView, a Carl Zeiss lens, and an optical image stabilization. The marketing demos and cute commercials looked incredible, and completely believable — that was until the guys over at The Verge discovered Nokia’s PureView ad was faked and filmed with a professional camera rig and not the Nokia Lumia 920 — ouch.

So far we have an anti-ergonomic design, bright flashy aposematic coloration, unfinished software, no release date, no price, and best of all deceit. Sounds like a recipe for success!

It’s apparent now that a last chance revival for Nokia and Windows Phone isn’t going to happen any time soon. They’re just not ready or even close to being ready to compete with the likes of Apple, Google, and Samsung when it comes to producing, packaging, and marketing a top tier smartphone.

• Wireless charging — pfft, I still see a wire, and with that LCD screen you best invest in a dozen of those things.
• NFC — pfft, welcome to the club.
• Dual-core processor — pfft, the Galaxy camera has a dual-core processor.
• 1GB of RAM — pfft, that’s all you got.

Hey Nokia, your investors are calling, they want their money back.